Where do YOU draw the line?

Three years ago if $15,000 fell in my lap I would not have thought twice to do IVF.  Today, while it is still tempting I cannot get beyond the moral implications.  This is one of the many reasons we started the Creighton Model even though we are not Catholic the basic principles still speak loudly to me.

I have been asked why I would not do IVF.  Obviously the cost is a huge factor for us.  We definitely could make it happen, with savings and cutting back on things we could afford it, but what a huge waste of money (potentially.)  The most pressing reason I would not pursue IVF is the disposal of possibly viable embryos.  They do not retrieve and fertilize 1-2 eggs.  I recently heard one woman's story of IVF that they retrieved 13 eggs, fertilized 8 and implanted 3.  Do the math, what happened to the other 5 embryos?  Trash? Frozen? Donated?  Either way, those are 5 potential gifts of Heaven, and what becomes of them?

Here's my bottom line on IVF:  If it's what you wish to do, so be it, I will not judge, it's just not a choice we feel we should make but if it's right for you, then do it.  If we could do IVF and only retrieve 1 egg, know it would "hatch" and become a successful pregnancy, yes, I would consider it. 

The other line I struggle with is where do we interfere with God's hand?  I have heard that with the Creighton/NaPro methods the Catholic church frowns on ART (assisted reproductive therapies) because it removes  God's will in conception.  (For any Catholic readers, if I am wrong, please feel free to set me straight, these are things I've read online.)  If we are making babies in test tubes, is that really God's will?

What I cannot "figure out" for lack of a better term is where do we draw the line before we get to the test tube?  If we are created in the divine image of Christ then if we are born without the ability to become pregnant for any reason are we also "fiddling" with what God's hand would have planned? 

Example: I was born with a congenital shortening of the blood vessels on my right ovary causing that ovary to possibly be considered "useless," stage 1-2 endo and some hormonal abnormalities am I disobeying God's will by taking Clomid or having surgery to remove the endo?  God made me that way, endo included.  Am I attempting to create life without God?  If I was knitted in my mother's womb perfectly in His image then would I not be meant to be infertile and meant to NOT correct those things that could/are keeping me from becoming a mother? 

Granted, I understand that if there is a medical condition that can be treated we should do so, I'm not saying to pray over a broken arm and hope it heals.  What I am saying is that if I was BORN this way (infertile) should not just accept that it was how God made me, again, in His divine image?  Am I breaking His heart with every Clomid I take? 

On the other side of that coin is my always enduring thought that I was meant to be a mother.  That God created me to be a mom.  This could just be my way of trying to negate what God's will really is for me by saying my "heart" was meant to be a mother.  And, if my "mother's heart" came from God, then why would he also give me infertility? 

I've never really had faith that I would have a child though, to completely contradict what I just said. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have "a mother's heart" and want a child.  But since we realized this wasn't going to "just happen" for us, I've never held the hope that we would actually get pregnant.  The automatic thought I have is always "it's just not going to happen for us."  I wanted marriage, badly.  And even in those dark hours of break ups and single life I always knew I'd be in love, married and happy. I just had to give it time and let God's hand move.   I have yet to have hope in these dark hours. 

Obviously this has been heavy on my mind and heart lately.  This Advent season has been so the most painful so far.  I'm not sure why but I tend to think it's because I turned 34 this year, and know my time is quickly running out or that every passing month is a step closer for me to realize this is not going to happen and to give up.  Infertility is hard enough January through November, but Christmas is simply heart breaking.  Our house is decorated, there are presents bought and wrapped and none of it means anything to me.  I would give up every Christmas present, every sugar cookie, every special Christmas only nibble to hold my child in my arms. 

Big whoop, it's Christmas.

It's the Christmas season.  Big deal. 

Christmas is for children, or those who have children.  For those of us without children Christmas really isn't that exciting.  For us it's just about cleaning houses and cooking and buying boring gifts for old people.  I was so hoping to be able to shop for toys this year, of course, I'm not.   I am grouchy and down and not in the mood.  I just want this time of year to be over. 

I had the diagnostic lap done 9/19/11 and found I had minimal endo, "stage 1, barely stage 2."  It was refreshing to know it was minor, but yet frustrating to know it might not have been enough to cause our infertility.  We did find out DH's testosterone is low, but according to the doctor it's not low enough to affect quality/quantity.  DH has an appointment with a urologist in January.  He's not excited. 

Currently I'm on Clomid and Estrogen as well as LD Naltrexone.  My ultrasound series last month was "perfect" according to the doctor, but of course, no baby.  My hormones were also "perfect."  If I'm so damn perfect and normal then why haven't we been able to get pregnant???

I'm tired.  Tired of white baby stickers staring me in the face, tired of month after month of heart break.  I'm also just tired.  Work, school, internship, it's all so overwhelming.  The other night laying in bed awake at 3am, as usual, I was thinking "I'm glad we don't have a baby right now, how would I do it all?"  Maybe His plan is divine after all.  Perhaps this journey has been to give me time to complete graduate school, but I graduate in about 9 months, hint hint God!!  Any time now God, I'll have time to raise that beautiful gift I would so deeply love to be given. 

The final final step for the final time (?)

I decided to have a exploratory lap done to check for endo as a last diagnostic step in our journey.  Surgery is 9/19 and I'm starting to freak out.  Not because of pain, or The Awful (bowel prep) but for the fear that I will know for a fact that I cannot have children.  It's a weird feeling, it's something I've wanted; an answer, but the fear of knowing for sure is sometimes overwhelming.  I'm praying that I do have endo, but a very mild case, at least I would have an answer and be a step in the direction of (hopefully) increase fertility.  I do so hope I'm one of those women who have this surgery and are pregnant in just a couple cycles.  Please Lord, let it be. 

Abducted by Aliens?

No, I haven't been abducted.  I have been probed, but haven't all of us in the TTC world?  I could give you a mile long list of valid, non-bitchy reasons I haven't posted anything but the honest excuse is I just didn't have anything to say.  Well anything nice that is.  And, nothing exciting to post.

We're not PG.
We're not adopting.

We're just doing the "wait and see" game until I go insane.  We are supposed to see the doctor again in two weeks but there's really no reason to, so I'm cancelling it.  I don't plan on going back until January for my yearly appointment.

I did make a huge step in "moving on" this weekend.  Eric has the smallest bedroom as his office and in the 4 years we've lived in this house I haven't painted that room.  I was holding off in hopes of painting it for a nursery.   I will be working from home a few days a week in September so we decided to just go ahead and paint the office.  It was heartbreaking last night, painting it the awful color Eric picked out and thinking "I should be painting this the color of our baby's nursery, not the color of rotting flesh."  Eric is doing a "zombie" theme in there, eh, whatever. 

I did take Femara this month, I had to, I paid almost $200 for it and I was not wasting it!  I'm working really hard on giving up on this and moving on.  To be honest, this whole TTC thing is boring to me now.  I'm over the being a mom thing, now I just need my heart to catch up to my brain.

Gloomy Sunday

I made it through another Mothers Day, barely.  Thankfully I was busy with internship and went and visited my mom for a bit, made the day a little less horrible.  I am glad it's over though, and now only have to endure every other day with empty arms.

I had my MRI, thank you Lord that it was feet first, I'm not sure I could have done it if I had to be in that coffin machine head first.  I even lucked out and didn't have to do the contrast, so it was really short!  I hope to know the findings this week.

Hope everyone is doing well, and made it through Mothers Day.  Here's hoping next year we have something to celebrate!

Set your clock by my biological one.

Well CD1 came right on time.  I was wondering if it would right after surgery, but she did, if nothing else I am somewhat predictable.

I have my MRI 5/4 and from there we'll see if we "keep trying" or have another surgery.  I honestly don't care either way.   I am to begin Femara again but I'm thinking of waiting until after the MRI and do it next cycle.  I really don't want to waste the meds (sooooo expensive) and I don't want to take it only to find out that I'll need surgery and feeling like crap was for nothing (like it has been for HOW MANY months??)

Wasn't this an uplifting post?  I'll try to make the next one more unicorns and sunbeams.

Where am I?

Since having surgery I have no idea what cycle day I am on.  I should have started a new cycle on/around my surgery day and I did have a fertile period in my cycle so I'm just assuming I will start a new cycle in a week or so.  I dunno.  I guess I'll just go with the flow...har har pun intended.

I have my MRI 5/5 so hopefully we'll know where we're going from there.  Hopefully. 

Where we're going, who knows!

I wish I could Google God.

You can find just about any answer (both right and wrong) on the net.  You can type in "meatloaf recipe" and get everything from an actual recipe to pornography (not that I've tried.)  You can find out how to fix your kitchen sink or how to build a bomb.   I can research polyps, Clomid, septum, heart shaped uterus all day lon (and I have, even at 2 am when I can't sleep from my Blackberry.) 

What the net can't do is answer the question "will I ever get pregnant?"

I've Googled it.
Many times.
Nothing.

I've "Godggled" that many times too, asking God why, when, how, what do I need to do?
Many times.
Nothing.

Lord, do you see how it's hard to have faith in this? In You.  How it's so easy to feel forsaken? You watch over the sparrow, You will watch over me, right?  You know the desires of my heart, right?

Right?

Starting Over?

Had my post-op appointment today, everything is fine with the surgery.  I am fully healed and the dr was happy with how the surgery went.  He said the polyp was "really large" and that he still can't decide "what is going on with my uterus."  Um, what?  He acted completely dumbfounded about the shape of my uterus.  I guess between the HSG, SHG, ultrasounds and now surgery he hasn't been able to tell the actual shape of my uterus, if it's normal shaped with a septum or if it's heart shaped. 

Next step, MRI to determine the shape.  If it's "normal" then we'll do surgery again to remove the septum but this time he'll make an umbilical incision to monitor the outside of the uterus.  Have to say I wasn't thrilled about that, because it means longer recovery.  If it is heart shaped we likely won't do anything as he doesn't feel it will cause a problem with fertility.  This confuses me.  If it's a septum it comes out because it does affect fertility but if it's heart shaped it's fine, well why can't it be fine if it's a septum?  I guess this is reason 34,502 I'm not a doctor. 

I do feel like I'm starting over though.  If the uterus is heart shaped, I am back on Femara, as the doctor feels the polyp could be due to being on Clomid, and "trying for another 6 months."  WHAT?  We were getting so close to having a "reason" for this crap and we're back to the "wait and see" game.  I about lost my crap right then and there.   I thought I would feel better after talking to the dr today, he has a way of giving me hope and putting me at ease, but I just feel so frustrated and lost, right back to square one. 

I survived!

Surgery went well, the polyp was huge, the size of the doctors thumb!  Sadly I will have to have the same surgery again soon as he also found that I either have a heart shapped uterus or I do have a septum afterall.  He would have fixed it yesterday but I wasn't able to give consent.  Thank you prayer buddy, if you're reading, our prayers were answered, I did well during and after surgery.  In fact, I haven't had any pain or need for medication.  The worst part has been sore legs from the position I was in and my throat is super sore from the vent.  Nothing I can't handle though, it's so "easy" compared to what it could have been.

12 hours

In 12 hours I'll be on my way to the hospital for my polyp removal.  I'm starting to freak out a little.  I've had surgery before, gallbladder removal in 2005, but knowing you'll be put out is scary no matter how many times you go through it. 

So prayer buddy if you're reading, please pray for a safe surgery, for no reactions to the drugs, and a swift recovery.  Oh yeah, and that this is the reason we haven't been able to get PG and this surgery will remedy that as well.

loud and clear

I hear you Lord, I do.  Am I listening? Yes, but it's so hard. 

A baby girl with down syndrome was left at the hospital recently.  Her young mother just left her there once she found out she had DS.  When I heard this my first thought was "give her to me."  I will raise this baby as my own, give her every chance at life possible.  Then it hit me, maybe after all of this that is what we are meant to be, parents to the 'unwanted.'   For me, adoption is a final straw and I'm just not ready yet.  It's giving up and I can't do that, not yet.  Let me get through this upcoming surgery and see where we stand and then Lord, I will not only listen, I will follow your commands.  Ok, I'll try to, how's that?

I have an IUD and didn't know it!

Dr apt today, SHG, and found that have a large polyp that gets to be yanked out on 4/4.  The polyp is so large that the dr feels it is acting like a natural IUD, preventing any implantation.  Oh, please God, let this be the reason, please.  Also, please let the surgery go well, let me feel good afterwards, and let my recovery be quick and painless.

Never.

The rain is still falling and so are my hopes.  I feel so defeated and cannot shake the thought of "it's just never going to happen for us."  Yet another FB post last night announcing a pregnancy, another blog today about how it was so easy to get PG from one IUI.  I had 3 and nothing but $3,000 lost. 

If my Lent prayer buddy is reading this, I'm sorry I'm a downer.  But please, pray that the Lord takes this desire from me, or at least gives me the peace to quit and let it go.  I no longer pray for a child, I pray for God to take the desire for one away and to give me peace.  I ask for you to pray for the same as it's obvious that me being a mother is just not going to happen and I need to learn how to accept that.

Blame it on the rain...

Remember Milli Vanilli? Loved them!  Today I am blaming my attitude on the rain that just keeps falling here in Ohio.  Granted, it's better than snow but I'm ready for spring.  Our mini weeping willow has soft cottony blooms bursting through.  While on home visits I've seen delicate verdant shoots trying to reach the sun, so spring, I know you're near!

Back to how I'm feeling today.  I'm trying so hard not to be bitter, jealous, angry about those who can have children.  Today I saw on a blog I follow that they are expecting and it breaks my heart.  I want to be happy for them, despite knowing them in any way besides through a blog, but it's so hard.  I cannot stop thinking "it's so unfair."  I then have to remind myself that I am not special, nor do I deserve anything any more than anyone else.  While these thoughts do help at times the "why me's" are louder than the "why should it be me's?" 

I am trying to decide what to give up for Lent, despite being Catholic, I think we all need to have more restraint and dedication in our lives (especially mine!)  Perhaps I'm being easy on myself but I want to give up something I know I can stick to for 40 days, so besides giving up smoking and drinking (neither of which I do) I'm not sure I can give up anything and stick to it.

Here is what I'm thinking of so far:
Diet Coke, I'm really surprised when I get blood drawn it doesn't come out carbonated.
Reading blogs, or should I say those not dedicated to JUST home interiors etc, to avoid the baby announcements.
Feeling sorry for myself.
Being bitter.

When I decide I'll post, not that anyone reads this or anything, but at least I can say I did it.

My thought for the day.

Today, as I still suffer through one of the worst cycles of my life, the thought of "where/when do we stop" has haunted my thoughts.  I have an SHG next Tuesday to check for polyps and if that's negative I see endo surgery coming my way. If the SHG shows polyps, obviously they will need to be removed and I'm sure we'll do the waiting and trying game for a few more months and go from there.

I had drawn the imaginary line at surgery, that I wouldn't put myself through that unless I knew FOR SURE it would result in pregnancy.  Yeah, I know.  Nothing and no one can ensure I can/will get pregnant.  So now my line in the sand has moved again.  Where to, I don't know. 

Where I stand today I will go through surgery, if nothing else to know for certain I do or do not have endo, even if I never am blessed with being a mother.

As we embark on the Easter season I've signed up to participate in a Lent prayer buddy.  If you're reading this buddy, thank you for praying me, I need it!

I'm "perfect."

Well my blood work is at least.  My progesterone and estrogen levels were "perfect" this month.  Pity I already feel the telltale signs that "she" is coming.  Oh well, what's another month, right? 

Where I am is where I was.

I'm having TTC deja vu.  I had a repeat HSG and back to "things look just fine, except."  Last time it was a possible blocked tube that was explained away as an air bubble from the dye.  This time it was a possible septum.  After a 30 minute internal US it was proven that I do not in fact have a septum but may have a polyp. 

SO, when if (positive thinking) I start a new cycle this month I get to have a sonohystography to see if it is a polyp or if it could be a fibroid on the back of the uterus causing the small dip in the top of the uterus that appeared like a septum.  The other possibility is that is "just how my uterus is shaped and everything is fine."  Wouldn't that be nice? But if that's the case why in the world am I not pregnant yet??

The possibility of surgery for endo still looms on the horizon.  During the US the tech did have a very hard, and painful, time finding my right ovary.  This was also a problem when we were seeing the RE and doing IUI's.  I assumed she was shy or it was just because I am fat, since everything that doesn't go according to plan medically is usually blamed on my fluffiness. The tech said it could be that it is in the wrong place and that often happens when a woman has endo, the adhesion's cause the ovary(ries) to be pulled out of their typical places.  I haven't seen the dr yet to ask about this, we're just waiting to see if I start a new cycle.

The worst IF thought ever!

When you struggle with infertility long enough your brain goes to dark, awful places.  You wonder about everything you did in your life, good and bad, and wonder if that choice or action is the reason you've been struck barren.  You stop and ask forgiveness for every swear word, every wrong thought, every moment of impatience because you've convinced yourself that these are the reasons you've fallen out of grace and are being punished. 

Then one day you go to the darkest place ever and you realize you and your husband will die alone in nursing homes because you won't have children to care for you.  Selfish? Yes.  Truthful? Yes.  Heart breaking? Yes. Have I thought this thought?  Yes. 

In fact, I've thought it at least 37 or so times just today.