Where am I?

Since having surgery I have no idea what cycle day I am on.  I should have started a new cycle on/around my surgery day and I did have a fertile period in my cycle so I'm just assuming I will start a new cycle in a week or so.  I dunno.  I guess I'll just go with the flow...har har pun intended.

I have my MRI 5/5 so hopefully we'll know where we're going from there.  Hopefully. 

Where we're going, who knows!

I wish I could Google God.

You can find just about any answer (both right and wrong) on the net.  You can type in "meatloaf recipe" and get everything from an actual recipe to pornography (not that I've tried.)  You can find out how to fix your kitchen sink or how to build a bomb.   I can research polyps, Clomid, septum, heart shaped uterus all day lon (and I have, even at 2 am when I can't sleep from my Blackberry.) 

What the net can't do is answer the question "will I ever get pregnant?"

I've Googled it.
Many times.
Nothing.

I've "Godggled" that many times too, asking God why, when, how, what do I need to do?
Many times.
Nothing.

Lord, do you see how it's hard to have faith in this? In You.  How it's so easy to feel forsaken? You watch over the sparrow, You will watch over me, right?  You know the desires of my heart, right?

Right?

Starting Over?

Had my post-op appointment today, everything is fine with the surgery.  I am fully healed and the dr was happy with how the surgery went.  He said the polyp was "really large" and that he still can't decide "what is going on with my uterus."  Um, what?  He acted completely dumbfounded about the shape of my uterus.  I guess between the HSG, SHG, ultrasounds and now surgery he hasn't been able to tell the actual shape of my uterus, if it's normal shaped with a septum or if it's heart shaped. 

Next step, MRI to determine the shape.  If it's "normal" then we'll do surgery again to remove the septum but this time he'll make an umbilical incision to monitor the outside of the uterus.  Have to say I wasn't thrilled about that, because it means longer recovery.  If it is heart shaped we likely won't do anything as he doesn't feel it will cause a problem with fertility.  This confuses me.  If it's a septum it comes out because it does affect fertility but if it's heart shaped it's fine, well why can't it be fine if it's a septum?  I guess this is reason 34,502 I'm not a doctor. 

I do feel like I'm starting over though.  If the uterus is heart shaped, I am back on Femara, as the doctor feels the polyp could be due to being on Clomid, and "trying for another 6 months."  WHAT?  We were getting so close to having a "reason" for this crap and we're back to the "wait and see" game.  I about lost my crap right then and there.   I thought I would feel better after talking to the dr today, he has a way of giving me hope and putting me at ease, but I just feel so frustrated and lost, right back to square one. 

I survived!

Surgery went well, the polyp was huge, the size of the doctors thumb!  Sadly I will have to have the same surgery again soon as he also found that I either have a heart shapped uterus or I do have a septum afterall.  He would have fixed it yesterday but I wasn't able to give consent.  Thank you prayer buddy, if you're reading, our prayers were answered, I did well during and after surgery.  In fact, I haven't had any pain or need for medication.  The worst part has been sore legs from the position I was in and my throat is super sore from the vent.  Nothing I can't handle though, it's so "easy" compared to what it could have been.

12 hours

In 12 hours I'll be on my way to the hospital for my polyp removal.  I'm starting to freak out a little.  I've had surgery before, gallbladder removal in 2005, but knowing you'll be put out is scary no matter how many times you go through it. 

So prayer buddy if you're reading, please pray for a safe surgery, for no reactions to the drugs, and a swift recovery.  Oh yeah, and that this is the reason we haven't been able to get PG and this surgery will remedy that as well.