Friday, February 11, 2011

The worst IF thought ever!

When you struggle with infertility long enough your brain goes to dark, awful places.  You wonder about everything you did in your life, good and bad, and wonder if that choice or action is the reason you've been struck barren.  You stop and ask forgiveness for every swear word, every wrong thought, every moment of impatience because you've convinced yourself that these are the reasons you've fallen out of grace and are being punished. 

Then one day you go to the darkest place ever and you realize you and your husband will die alone in nursing homes because you won't have children to care for you.  Selfish? Yes.  Truthful? Yes.  Heart breaking? Yes. Have I thought this thought?  Yes. 

In fact, I've thought it at least 37 or so times just today.

1 comment:

  1. OMG!....I always cry to my mom and say that I will end up being one of those people in a nursing home...80 years old crying for my mother cause I will have no children to take care of or visit me. I have thought this thought soo many times. You are not alone!

    ReplyDelete