It's the Christmas season. Big deal.
Christmas is for children, or those who have children. For those of us without children Christmas really isn't that exciting. For us it's just about cleaning houses and cooking and buying boring gifts for old people. I was so hoping to be able to shop for toys this year, of course, I'm not. I am grouchy and down and not in the mood. I just want this time of year to be over.
I had the diagnostic lap done 9/19/11 and found I had minimal endo, "stage 1, barely stage 2." It was refreshing to know it was minor, but yet frustrating to know it might not have been enough to cause our infertility. We did find out DH's testosterone is low, but according to the doctor it's not low enough to affect quality/quantity. DH has an appointment with a urologist in January. He's not excited.
Currently I'm on Clomid and Estrogen as well as LD Naltrexone. My ultrasound series last month was "perfect" according to the doctor, but of course, no baby. My hormones were also "perfect." If I'm so damn perfect and normal then why haven't we been able to get pregnant???
I'm tired. Tired of white baby stickers staring me in the face, tired of month after month of heart break. I'm also just tired. Work, school, internship, it's all so overwhelming. The other night laying in bed awake at 3am, as usual, I was thinking "I'm glad we don't have a baby right now, how would I do it all?" Maybe His plan is divine after all. Perhaps this journey has been to give me time to complete graduate school, but I graduate in about 9 months, hint hint God!! Any time now God, I'll have time to raise that beautiful gift I would so deeply love to be given.