Monday, February 28, 2011

Where I am is where I was.

I'm having TTC deja vu.  I had a repeat HSG and back to "things look just fine, except."  Last time it was a possible blocked tube that was explained away as an air bubble from the dye.  This time it was a possible septum.  After a 30 minute internal US it was proven that I do not in fact have a septum but may have a polyp. 

SO, when if (positive thinking) I start a new cycle this month I get to have a sonohystography to see if it is a polyp or if it could be a fibroid on the back of the uterus causing the small dip in the top of the uterus that appeared like a septum.  The other possibility is that is "just how my uterus is shaped and everything is fine."  Wouldn't that be nice? But if that's the case why in the world am I not pregnant yet??

The possibility of surgery for endo still looms on the horizon.  During the US the tech did have a very hard, and painful, time finding my right ovary.  This was also a problem when we were seeing the RE and doing IUI's.  I assumed she was shy or it was just because I am fat, since everything that doesn't go according to plan medically is usually blamed on my fluffiness. The tech said it could be that it is in the wrong place and that often happens when a woman has endo, the adhesion's cause the ovary(ries) to be pulled out of their typical places.  I haven't seen the dr yet to ask about this, we're just waiting to see if I start a new cycle.

Friday, February 11, 2011

The worst IF thought ever!

When you struggle with infertility long enough your brain goes to dark, awful places.  You wonder about everything you did in your life, good and bad, and wonder if that choice or action is the reason you've been struck barren.  You stop and ask forgiveness for every swear word, every wrong thought, every moment of impatience because you've convinced yourself that these are the reasons you've fallen out of grace and are being punished. 

Then one day you go to the darkest place ever and you realize you and your husband will die alone in nursing homes because you won't have children to care for you.  Selfish? Yes.  Truthful? Yes.  Heart breaking? Yes. Have I thought this thought?  Yes. 

In fact, I've thought it at least 37 or so times just today.