Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Will I ever look back and laugh?

I am not a good sleeper.  If I wake up; to piddle, let the dogs out, DH snoring, etc, I have a horrible time going back to sleep.  In these hazy sleep stained moments my mind goes to odd places.  Recently it's been traveling back in time to when I was single.  Now, I have NO desire to return to those times so these thoughts are not wanton wishes for times gone by but instead I'm hoping my subconscious way to lessen my current pain. 

When I was single I wanted nothing more to be in a relationship, married, happy, in love, etc.  DH and I had a whirlwind romance, met in March, engaged by June and married in November.  Once we met we barely spent a day apart and since married we've only spent 2 nights separate.  So when I look back on those years of single life I can now laugh at the things I did because I reached the goal I was striving for; marriage.  When I say single life I mean the idiotic dates I went on, the short and often painful relationships and the guys that came into my life to only cause hurt and strife.  I didn't date until I was in my mid twenties and there were not many dates even then but those I did have often were not healthy or happy situations.  At the end of each of them it was a painful reminder I was single and my heart's desire was so far from my reach.

DH and I have been married 5 years.  We've had our fights but I love him dearly and he was and is what I had wanted for so many years. Now that I have what I had prayed and begged and hoped for in my life I can look back on those single days and while I can recall the pain it's nothing to me now but a means to a happy end. 

I cannot help but hope that I will be able to do the same in regards to my current dream of motherhood.  That while holding my child I'll be able to recall these heartbreaking times and laugh at my impatience, at my anger or hurt.  Will I be able to recall these times without bitterness and realize they were all stepping stones on a path to my dream? I hope so.  I hope that the years we've carried this hurt have been for us to one day be able to tell our child how much we wanted them and how hard we worked for them and not just a story to tell to explain why we have 17 dogs.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

A year.

If I wasn't a lazy blogger I would look up the words to that Rent song that goes on about numbers and moments and how we measure a year.  But you all know what I'm talking about and likely now have that song stuck in your head.  You're welcome.

Here's how I measured last year:
Jan-March: try, try, try again, nope, nope, nope.
April: surgery to remove polyp.  HOPE.  Nope.
May-August: try, try, try, try, nope to the 4th power.
September: lap for 1-2 stage endo removal.
October: HOPE it WILL be my month. IT has to be, I didn't go through surgery for nothing.  Nope.
November: What a blessed 5th anniversary this could be.  Nope.
December: I have so much hope for you, you beautiful cycle.  Granted, I'm the freak that has normal cycles, great mucus, wonderful response to meds so most cycles are "beautiful."   DH and I were on vacation during peak and made the most of it and I had so much hope, so much faith.  I could almost feel the life being created in me.  Until a few days ago.  I do blame this "hope bottoming out" on hormones, it has to be.  I was so strong and happy and faithful until about peak plus 9 and then those the thoughts of "it just isn't going to happen" started creeping back. 

On to a new year.  Not out of the game yet, but as I type I can feel the all too familiar twinges of failure brewing in my pelvis. 

This will be a great year though.  I will graduate from graduate school this year.  I will hopefully be able to obtain a new job to use my MSW.  Hopefully this will be the year that DH gets his much desired principal position.  We'll be another year closer to being out of debt.  And, I'll turn 35.   This means we only have 10 more cycles to try to get pregnant.  So 2012, you'll either be a year of a blessing of a child or the blessing of laying down this cross of pain and moving forward to what God really has planned for me not what I hoped was His plan.