Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Random Ramblings

This is one of those posts where I have lots to say but nothing to say. 
Enter stream of consciousness blog:

Went and saw an RE just for poops and giggles I guess.  Was curious what she felt she could do for us that my current gyno can't.  Of course she wants us to have a $2,000 IUI or even better the $13,000 IVF.  Her eyeballs about popped out when I said we don't morally agree with IVF.  You'd thought she saw a lobster crawl out of my vagina the look on her face.  Sadly, I'm considering the IUI.  Why is that sad?  I just feel it will be a waste of $2,000.00.

DH had a testicular US which was "perfectly normal" and yet another SA.  His volume was low and his motility is low (35%) but his count is very, very high 162.3 million.  Mathematically according to the urologist he has a "normal" count considering the count is so high.   We see the not so nice RE again in a couple weeks to get her point of view on the SA. 

Obviously this isn't going to happen for us naturally since it hasn't happened yet in 4 years. (Another "pro" for the IUI.)

Our house was vandalized recently, teenagers have been shooting at windows with a pellet gun and we were a victim.  Our front window has a lovely hole in it now.  We considered replacing the window since we need new ones through the whole house, the guy said anywhere between $1,200 and $2,000.  Ironic?

I almost murderfied the DH when he looked at me and said "well it's the window or the IUI."  He's right though.  I'm thinking we'll profit more from the window.

I didn't take any drugs this month besides the naltrexone and progesterone and I can tell.  I've had migraines and have not been the happiest of campers.  It is getting better now that I'm in the end of my cycle.  Pre-peak was not fun.

Why can't we get pregnant????? 162 million sperm and I ovulate, why won't this happen???

I blog I follow announced her pregnancy through IVF and I was devastated.  Not sure why, I guess it's that fear that "the cheese will stand alone."

I want to quit.  I see the perks of not trying.  No meds, no vaginal ultrasounds, no blood work, more money, more time. 

Maybe we should take the $2,000 for the IUI and put it in a savings account for when we're old and childless and relying on strangers to wipe our asses. 

I'll never see my child's face light up on their birthday or Christmas morning.

I'll never feel life inside me, growing, moving, kicking.

The feeling of gratefulness of not having children swept over my last night on my way home from graduate class.  I'm not sure how I would handle pregnancy, working 58 hours a week, school and being a wife.  I graduate in 6 months, maybe give it a break until then and try when I have less on my plate? 

I'm tired.  So tired.  This has become me, what will I be when I do give up (when I hit menopause). 

I've been wrestling with my ideas of femininity and womanhood.  I by no means feel masculine, but knowing I cannot give life, that I will not experience labor or breast feeding devastates the thoughts of what womanhood is for me.  I was meant to be a mother.  I was meant to nurture, to make lunches and wipe noses.  I was born for that.  If I can't be that, what am I? 

I'm still thinking the window is a better deal, and I would have an excuse to buy new curtains.

1 comment:

  1. Wow. This post breaks my heart :(

    Where are ya? You still out there? Come back and update.

    I had to laugh at the comment about saving the $2,000 when you're old and relying on strangers to wipe your asses ;) I know it's sad, but also funny.

    Ugh, you're right, this is so hard. And we were designed to do this. WTH??
    Praying for ya.