It's the Christmas season. Big deal.
Christmas is for children, or those who have children. For those of us without children Christmas really isn't that exciting. For us it's just about cleaning houses and cooking and buying boring gifts for old people. I was so hoping to be able to shop for toys this year, of course, I'm not. I am grouchy and down and not in the mood. I just want this time of year to be over.
I had the diagnostic lap done 9/19/11 and found I had minimal endo, "stage 1, barely stage 2." It was refreshing to know it was minor, but yet frustrating to know it might not have been enough to cause our infertility. We did find out DH's testosterone is low, but according to the doctor it's not low enough to affect quality/quantity. DH has an appointment with a urologist in January. He's not excited.
Currently I'm on Clomid and Estrogen as well as LD Naltrexone. My ultrasound series last month was "perfect" according to the doctor, but of course, no baby. My hormones were also "perfect." If I'm so damn perfect and normal then why haven't we been able to get pregnant???
I'm tired. Tired of white baby stickers staring me in the face, tired of month after month of heart break. I'm also just tired. Work, school, internship, it's all so overwhelming. The other night laying in bed awake at 3am, as usual, I was thinking "I'm glad we don't have a baby right now, how would I do it all?" Maybe His plan is divine after all. Perhaps this journey has been to give me time to complete graduate school, but I graduate in about 9 months, hint hint God!! Any time now God, I'll have time to raise that beautiful gift I would so deeply love to be given.
I can't decide whether that's better or worse than buying lots of toys - for other people's children. (Which is what I do. Every year. Sometimes I let my mind wander to how I could get out of buying and shipping presents for DH's five-going-on-six nieces and nephews, and his four siblings who have never (ever) bought Christmas presents for us - if we had kids of our own and had the excuse that we had our own toy budget to mind.)
ReplyDeleteI do like Christmas shopping, and maybe I would be sadder if I had only one person to buy a present for. HOWEVER. Every year I buy Christmas presents for TWENTY-ONE people (counting my DH). And I have such fond memories of a tree with a pile of presents under it (even if they weren't very expensive) when I was growing up. And after buying presents for twenty-one people, my Christmas tree has almost nothing under it, and it's usually totally unbalanced - one year one of us will get more family presents, and usually one side won't get things shipped till after Christmas so one person has almost nothing to open, and if someone is spending Christmas with us that person often has the fewest presents because they were sent somewhere else. Presents are supposed to be fun, and instead I always feel bad. What is that about?
I adore Christmas, but I hear you - Christmas for an infertile is just full of unpleasantness.
I fully agree with you in regards to buying toys for children who need them and we have done that in the past and will do it in the future. It does fulfil a "need" to a level. Perhaps I should have said that the hardest part is not having "family Christmas PJ's" and getting up at 6am to see what Santa left. There are no traditions, no excitement, no exciting eyes and gasps of glee, no mountains of wrapping paper and hours of putting together toys. Maybe next year.
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