Where do YOU draw the line?

Three years ago if $15,000 fell in my lap I would not have thought twice to do IVF.  Today, while it is still tempting I cannot get beyond the moral implications.  This is one of the many reasons we started the Creighton Model even though we are not Catholic the basic principles still speak loudly to me.

I have been asked why I would not do IVF.  Obviously the cost is a huge factor for us.  We definitely could make it happen, with savings and cutting back on things we could afford it, but what a huge waste of money (potentially.)  The most pressing reason I would not pursue IVF is the disposal of possibly viable embryos.  They do not retrieve and fertilize 1-2 eggs.  I recently heard one woman's story of IVF that they retrieved 13 eggs, fertilized 8 and implanted 3.  Do the math, what happened to the other 5 embryos?  Trash? Frozen? Donated?  Either way, those are 5 potential gifts of Heaven, and what becomes of them?

Here's my bottom line on IVF:  If it's what you wish to do, so be it, I will not judge, it's just not a choice we feel we should make but if it's right for you, then do it.  If we could do IVF and only retrieve 1 egg, know it would "hatch" and become a successful pregnancy, yes, I would consider it. 

The other line I struggle with is where do we interfere with God's hand?  I have heard that with the Creighton/NaPro methods the Catholic church frowns on ART (assisted reproductive therapies) because it removes  God's will in conception.  (For any Catholic readers, if I am wrong, please feel free to set me straight, these are things I've read online.)  If we are making babies in test tubes, is that really God's will?

What I cannot "figure out" for lack of a better term is where do we draw the line before we get to the test tube?  If we are created in the divine image of Christ then if we are born without the ability to become pregnant for any reason are we also "fiddling" with what God's hand would have planned? 

Example: I was born with a congenital shortening of the blood vessels on my right ovary causing that ovary to possibly be considered "useless," stage 1-2 endo and some hormonal abnormalities am I disobeying God's will by taking Clomid or having surgery to remove the endo?  God made me that way, endo included.  Am I attempting to create life without God?  If I was knitted in my mother's womb perfectly in His image then would I not be meant to be infertile and meant to NOT correct those things that could/are keeping me from becoming a mother? 

Granted, I understand that if there is a medical condition that can be treated we should do so, I'm not saying to pray over a broken arm and hope it heals.  What I am saying is that if I was BORN this way (infertile) should not just accept that it was how God made me, again, in His divine image?  Am I breaking His heart with every Clomid I take? 

On the other side of that coin is my always enduring thought that I was meant to be a mother.  That God created me to be a mom.  This could just be my way of trying to negate what God's will really is for me by saying my "heart" was meant to be a mother.  And, if my "mother's heart" came from God, then why would he also give me infertility? 

I've never really had faith that I would have a child though, to completely contradict what I just said. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't have "a mother's heart" and want a child.  But since we realized this wasn't going to "just happen" for us, I've never held the hope that we would actually get pregnant.  The automatic thought I have is always "it's just not going to happen for us."  I wanted marriage, badly.  And even in those dark hours of break ups and single life I always knew I'd be in love, married and happy. I just had to give it time and let God's hand move.   I have yet to have hope in these dark hours. 

Obviously this has been heavy on my mind and heart lately.  This Advent season has been so the most painful so far.  I'm not sure why but I tend to think it's because I turned 34 this year, and know my time is quickly running out or that every passing month is a step closer for me to realize this is not going to happen and to give up.  Infertility is hard enough January through November, but Christmas is simply heart breaking.  Our house is decorated, there are presents bought and wrapped and none of it means anything to me.  I would give up every Christmas present, every sugar cookie, every special Christmas only nibble to hold my child in my arms. 

Big whoop, it's Christmas.

It's the Christmas season.  Big deal. 

Christmas is for children, or those who have children.  For those of us without children Christmas really isn't that exciting.  For us it's just about cleaning houses and cooking and buying boring gifts for old people.  I was so hoping to be able to shop for toys this year, of course, I'm not.   I am grouchy and down and not in the mood.  I just want this time of year to be over. 

I had the diagnostic lap done 9/19/11 and found I had minimal endo, "stage 1, barely stage 2."  It was refreshing to know it was minor, but yet frustrating to know it might not have been enough to cause our infertility.  We did find out DH's testosterone is low, but according to the doctor it's not low enough to affect quality/quantity.  DH has an appointment with a urologist in January.  He's not excited. 

Currently I'm on Clomid and Estrogen as well as LD Naltrexone.  My ultrasound series last month was "perfect" according to the doctor, but of course, no baby.  My hormones were also "perfect."  If I'm so damn perfect and normal then why haven't we been able to get pregnant???

I'm tired.  Tired of white baby stickers staring me in the face, tired of month after month of heart break.  I'm also just tired.  Work, school, internship, it's all so overwhelming.  The other night laying in bed awake at 3am, as usual, I was thinking "I'm glad we don't have a baby right now, how would I do it all?"  Maybe His plan is divine after all.  Perhaps this journey has been to give me time to complete graduate school, but I graduate in about 9 months, hint hint God!!  Any time now God, I'll have time to raise that beautiful gift I would so deeply love to be given.