loud and clear

I hear you Lord, I do.  Am I listening? Yes, but it's so hard. 

A baby girl with down syndrome was left at the hospital recently.  Her young mother just left her there once she found out she had DS.  When I heard this my first thought was "give her to me."  I will raise this baby as my own, give her every chance at life possible.  Then it hit me, maybe after all of this that is what we are meant to be, parents to the 'unwanted.'   For me, adoption is a final straw and I'm just not ready yet.  It's giving up and I can't do that, not yet.  Let me get through this upcoming surgery and see where we stand and then Lord, I will not only listen, I will follow your commands.  Ok, I'll try to, how's that?

I have an IUD and didn't know it!

Dr apt today, SHG, and found that have a large polyp that gets to be yanked out on 4/4.  The polyp is so large that the dr feels it is acting like a natural IUD, preventing any implantation.  Oh, please God, let this be the reason, please.  Also, please let the surgery go well, let me feel good afterwards, and let my recovery be quick and painless.

Never.

The rain is still falling and so are my hopes.  I feel so defeated and cannot shake the thought of "it's just never going to happen for us."  Yet another FB post last night announcing a pregnancy, another blog today about how it was so easy to get PG from one IUI.  I had 3 and nothing but $3,000 lost. 

If my Lent prayer buddy is reading this, I'm sorry I'm a downer.  But please, pray that the Lord takes this desire from me, or at least gives me the peace to quit and let it go.  I no longer pray for a child, I pray for God to take the desire for one away and to give me peace.  I ask for you to pray for the same as it's obvious that me being a mother is just not going to happen and I need to learn how to accept that.

Blame it on the rain...

Remember Milli Vanilli? Loved them!  Today I am blaming my attitude on the rain that just keeps falling here in Ohio.  Granted, it's better than snow but I'm ready for spring.  Our mini weeping willow has soft cottony blooms bursting through.  While on home visits I've seen delicate verdant shoots trying to reach the sun, so spring, I know you're near!

Back to how I'm feeling today.  I'm trying so hard not to be bitter, jealous, angry about those who can have children.  Today I saw on a blog I follow that they are expecting and it breaks my heart.  I want to be happy for them, despite knowing them in any way besides through a blog, but it's so hard.  I cannot stop thinking "it's so unfair."  I then have to remind myself that I am not special, nor do I deserve anything any more than anyone else.  While these thoughts do help at times the "why me's" are louder than the "why should it be me's?" 

I am trying to decide what to give up for Lent, despite being Catholic, I think we all need to have more restraint and dedication in our lives (especially mine!)  Perhaps I'm being easy on myself but I want to give up something I know I can stick to for 40 days, so besides giving up smoking and drinking (neither of which I do) I'm not sure I can give up anything and stick to it.

Here is what I'm thinking of so far:
Diet Coke, I'm really surprised when I get blood drawn it doesn't come out carbonated.
Reading blogs, or should I say those not dedicated to JUST home interiors etc, to avoid the baby announcements.
Feeling sorry for myself.
Being bitter.

When I decide I'll post, not that anyone reads this or anything, but at least I can say I did it.

My thought for the day.

Today, as I still suffer through one of the worst cycles of my life, the thought of "where/when do we stop" has haunted my thoughts.  I have an SHG next Tuesday to check for polyps and if that's negative I see endo surgery coming my way. If the SHG shows polyps, obviously they will need to be removed and I'm sure we'll do the waiting and trying game for a few more months and go from there.

I had drawn the imaginary line at surgery, that I wouldn't put myself through that unless I knew FOR SURE it would result in pregnancy.  Yeah, I know.  Nothing and no one can ensure I can/will get pregnant.  So now my line in the sand has moved again.  Where to, I don't know. 

Where I stand today I will go through surgery, if nothing else to know for certain I do or do not have endo, even if I never am blessed with being a mother.

As we embark on the Easter season I've signed up to participate in a Lent prayer buddy.  If you're reading this buddy, thank you for praying me, I need it!

I'm "perfect."

Well my blood work is at least.  My progesterone and estrogen levels were "perfect" this month.  Pity I already feel the telltale signs that "she" is coming.  Oh well, what's another month, right?